60 People, 60 Stories

Putting in the effort

(China Daily)
Updated: 2009-09-30 08:27

If we date or marry someone from our neighborhood we will likely have a great deal in common - shared ideas and feelings about many things in life, from how relationships are supposed to work, to what is humorous, and how to raise children or even how to clean a kitchen (the way my mother did, of course!).

Dr Al Chambers is a family therapist at Beijing United Family Hospital.

Most people find this familiarity reassuring and will value the security of knowing that their partner shares the same outlook on life.

However, that familiarity will not ensure a rewarding relationship or guarantee how long it will last. What seems to be necessary for that is a willingness to be open-minded, kind and understanding with our partner and to generously explore whatever similarities and differences may arise. And of course, within a cross-cultural relationship, such differences will be much greater.

The ability of the human mind to judge itself as "right" and others, therefore, as "wrong", seems to know no bounds; however, it is just this tendency that must be brought into awareness in order for our relationships to flourish. After the initial romance and excitement, every relationship settles into the practicalities of living. And if we simply assume that our partner will see the world as we do, behave in a similar fashion or share our tastes, then we are likely in for some struggle.

On the other hand, if we keep a curious mind and put in the effort, relationships with partners who have a very contrasting background can bring its own reward, something very different from staying within our own neighborhoods.