Paying the price of love

Crafty methods are used to weasel out of giving wedding cash, as well as to figure out the right amount

Hu Xiao's wedding was an embarrassment.

The bridegroom discovered on his wedding day that his colleagues hadn't bothered to show up, instead sending a collective 500 yuan ($77; 64 euros; ￡60) hongbao (紅包, "red envelope" or "red packet").

"Was I wrong to invite them?" he asked on WeChat. "How can I return the favor for the six colleagues who sent 500 yuan together?"

Few were sympathetic to Hong's plight. Many assessed that the absence of his colleagues was a passive-aggressive protest at being invited in the first place. After all, weddings invite obligations - specifically, the hongbao has become a literal tax on friendship that few are willing to extend to workmates as well.

Many Chinese feel anxious about being invited to weddings. The issue is not merely money, but also the relationship and mianzi (面子 miànzi, face, prestige, reputation) of both sides.

At weddings, guests present fenziqian (份子錢 fènziqián, "one's share of money to be presented") in the form of a hongbao to the new couple that expresses their good wishes. The custom originated in the late Qing Dynasty (1644-1911) and the Republic of China, instead of sending gifts.

The more cash in a hongbao, the closer the relationship between the couple and guest, the more prestigious the guest feels and, also, the more importance the guest attaches to the couple (錢給的越多, 客人本身越有面子, 也越給新人面子 qián gěi de yuè duō, kèrén běnshēn yuè yǒu miànzi, yě yuè gěi xīnrén miànzi).

But the hongbao are not under-the-table gifts. The amount each person gives is made a matter of public record - after being received at the reception desk, the amount is checked and recorded on a notebook by a trusted person on behalf of the new couple. Thus the amounts can become the subject of gossip.

It's an exhausting ritual, but some young Chinese have been testing ways to get around these tireseome duties. Hongbao are meant to be reciprocal - what you give at one wedding, you're meant to get back at your own. Those not invited can miss out (hence the rationale for keeping constant track).

But there's an obvious way around this: Some bolder Chinese have tried giving a note instead, saying that they don't expect any money at their own wedding, like a reverse IOU.

There's another, even simpler gambit: an IOU. This method is best delivered with a bit of an explanation - you're totally broke - but that the IOU can be cashed in at your own nuptials.

These gambits, though, are for people who are either short of cash or trying to make a statement, rather than those concerned with social customs and keen to ingratiate themselves with the married couple.

Here's some traditional advice:

For the couple

Hold a wedding, or at least a banquet

A relationship may purely be about two people in love (or "seeking arrangement"), but marriage involves two families. Regardless of whether the new couple wants a ceremony or not, their families probably do. It's also an opportunity for them to get back the hongbao they've spent on other weddings.

Invite the relatives, friends and others you want or need to maintain relationships with.

Special occasions signify the close relationship between guests and hosts. Inviting show s the host's respect and consideration of the guest, and accepting shows respect and consideration on the recipient's part.

Most Chinese families have one or more "accounting books" that record every hongbao the family has sent out and received. These keep track of the relationships the couple needs to maintain, and could be a guidebook for deciding whom to invite. But you should also include other people with whom you want or need to maintain a close or long-term relationship, and whose favors you will return.

Never invite a casual acquaintance.

The hongbao is presented on the assumption that it will be returned some day. This may not be assured in workplaces, since people frequently change employment. Colleagues are often just a business relationship, separate from your personal life. Therefore, it's better to not risk inviting a colleague to your wedding until you have established a good personal relationship.

For guests

Guests may fret about how much to include in a hongbao (will you avail yourself of the plus one?). The appropriate sum varies, depending on region, relationship and financial status of both host and guest.

Generally, richer regions like first-tier cities require a greater amount. The closer the relationship is, the more money. But a single person does not necessarily give a hongbao to their relatives - since he/she is part of a bigger family, his/her parents' hongbao will suffice.

Consult the family "accounting book".

If there are records between the couple's family and yours, you can refer to the information recorded and give a decent amount back this time by adding 100 yuan or more, according to the amount, and account for inflation. If there are no records, consult parents, since they will know all about the "hongbao market" in their hometown. With couples from other places, play it safe and check with shared friends.

Use an auspicious number.

Traditionally, some numbers are believed to be auspicious for occasions like weddings. Generally, 2, 6, 8 and 9 are good numbers. For example, instead of 300 yuan, 299 yuan (二九九, èr jiǔ jiǔ), which is similar to pronunciation of "ai jiu jiu" (愛久久, "love forever") in Chinese, is more favorable.

Even numbers are preferential to odd ones, especially the last digit. For example, 200 yuan is actually better than 300 yuan, while 266 is better than 265. This is not fixed for all places. It's better to check with locals.

Send one person to the banquet for each hongbao presented.

Costs of wedding banquets are on the rise. At present, one table with 10 seats costs around 1,000 yuan in rural areas, and much more in urban areas. Each seat has a cost. Therefore, it is expected that one person should attend the banquet for each hongbao presented, even though the whole family may want to send their best wishes in person.

These tips also apply to other special occasions in China, such as funerals, celebrations for a newborn, moving apartments and being admitted to a prestigious university.

Courtesy of The World of Chinese, www.theworldofchinese.com.cn

The World of Chinese

(China Daily European Weekly 09/01/2017 page23)