Bereaved father turns his grief into determination to help avert teen suicides

It was almost midnight when Xu Shihai received a message in a group chat on his phone that read "goodbye". Nobody but Xu took much notice of the message.

At that moment, the message sender was standing on the rooftop of his dormitory, bidding farewell to the world. Xu immediately contacted him via private message, and they started to talk.

Almost five hours later, the boy messaged Xu saying, "Rest assured, I've gotten over it."

This was not the first time that Xu, 45, had stopped a suicide attempt. The man from Central China's Henan province has joined multiple group chats with young people, sometimes disguised as a peer, to help those who express suicidal thoughts.

Suicide was the fourth leading cause of death among 15 to 29-year-olds globally in 2019, according to the WHO. A prior suicide attempt is the single most important risk factor for suicide in the general population, the organization notes.

Xu's 17-year-old son committed suicide in May last year. He had seen no signs of suicidal tendencies before the tragedy. To many, his son was a cheerful and friendly art enthusiast.

Saddened and puzzled by his son's sudden death, Xu joined a group chat populated by teens aged between 16 and 17 with the help of his son's classmates to try and find out the reason behind the suicide.

It was there that he discovered many teenagers, like his son, often hide their unhappiness in the real world, but express it online. The teenagers talk about their idols, new games, campus gossip, and, very often, death. Later, Xu found more online groups where young people would arrange suicide pacts.

"The teenagers in these groups all have moments where they break down, be it emotionally, financially or academically driven," says Xu. "Some are even excellent students who suffer because their parents are seemingly hard to satisfy."

Xu sometimes shares his own experiences when trying to talk them out of suicide.

"If I died, my parents would be in your place," reads one response from a teenager who had given up on suicide after hearing his story.

Xu admits it is not easy sharing his traumatic experience with others. "I just wanted to let them know that death is not the best way to solve a problem," he says.

After some time, Xu began to understand these teenagers better and began to reflect on himself and his role in his son's suicide.

"Teens often break down because of things that they consider to be very serious, but are often overlooked by parents," he says. "Those tiny cries for help from an adolescent may be dismissed by parents as them just being rebellious and capricious."

Working with a water rescue team, Xu spent little time with his son, and the only long conversations they had were about the boy's waning academic performance.

So far, Xu says he has saved dozens of suicidal young people across China. "I can always see my son in them," the father says. "One more teenager I save, one more family I can save, it's the least I can do for my son."

Now he stays online around the clock, afraid to miss the chance to avert another suicide attempt. He has also called on other parents to report chat groups where suicide pacts are arranged. So far, over 30 such groups have been reported to relevant authorities.

Through the process, Xu increasingly understands the pressure young people are under and wants other parents to learn from his experience and embark on some self-reflection when their children become problematic. In the future, he plans to start a hotline offering voluntary psychological counseling for suicidal teenagers. Some people have raised questions as to why he does all of this, given that his own son has already passed away.

"If someone had reached my son back then, he might still be alive today," Xu says.

Xinhua