Bride price tradition fueling fresh friction

The practice of giving money as a wedding guarantee comes under scrutiny as amounts skyrocket. Li Hongyang reports.

The recent break-up of a prospective bride and groom as a result of a failure to agree on a bride price of 300,000 yuan ($45,000) has caused heated debate online nationwide.

A bride price is the cash sum a prospective groom pays to the family of his wife-to-be as a guarantee that he will marry her and will treat her well in the future.

The practice is legal, but the sums demanded in some parts of the country have risen dramatically in recent years as some families want to test the depth of feeling the groom's parents have toward the prospective newcomer to their household.

In April, the prospective groom, from Zhengning county, Gansu province, wrote on a government message board that he almost married his girlfriend, but the high bride price demanded by her parents "forced" the couple to break up. He said he hoped the government would rectify the trend of rising bride prices.

In reply, the Party committee office of Zhengning said the county government had already issued a guideline advocating that the bride price for rural marriages should not exceed 80,000 yuan, but stipulated that government officials should set an example by asking for less than 60,000 yuan.

It added that there is a long way to go before what it called "the old, bad social tradition" is abandoned.

The news sparked concerns among netizens who were thinking of getting married. Many left comments under the post, with the most popular saying that the best thing to do is to avoid marriage altogether.

Zhang Furong, who owns a marriage agency in Xichang, Sichuan province, said that she witnessed the failure of an engagement in 2018 as a result of a high bride price.

Having matched a couple, she said they had a good relationship and were discussing marriage.

The woman's family asked for a bride price of 168,000 yuan because the mother said her daughter was the prettiest young woman in the neighborhood and she had a stable job as a middle school teacher. Also, a neighbor's daughter had received the same sum, so the family didn't want to appear inferior.

The groom-to-be agreed to the sum, but said his family could only pay in installments because his parents had just made a 400,000 yuan down payment on a house and had also paid about 200,000 yuan for a car to help him care for his new wife.

"The woman's family would not agree with the idea of paying in stages, so negotiations broke down. As the matchmaker, I was at the scene. I saw the man stand up immediately after the refusal and walk out without looking back," Zhang said.

Later, the woman's mother called Zhang to say that she regretted her actions and wanted to save her daughter's marriage prospects.

The mother added that she didn't mean to "sell' her daughter, but she had "lost her mind" during the negotiations on an impulse to compete with her neighbor.

In the end, the couple parted for good, so Zhang helped them find new partners. The mother lowered the bride price by 50 percent and her daughter married quickly. Both parties are now married and have children.

"In my opinion, they were really suited to each other, so I was sorry they broke up. Maybe they were not meant to be a couple," Zhang said.

From gifts to cash

The tradition of giving a bride price in the form of gifts has existed for thousands of years. In return, the family of the prospective bride must pay for the engagement and give a lump sum as a dowry.

In modern China, the bilateral payments have developed from gifts to cash. For couples from families of comparable financial status, the bride's parents usually give a dowry of almost the same amount as the bride price. The combined cash is used to help the newlyweds start their life together.

However, in some small cities and counties, many young women tend to move to big cities for work. That results in an excess of males of marriageable age, meaning that bride prices are generally higher while dowries are smaller.

Deng Yaju has been a matchmaker for two years in Zhengning, the county that hit the headlines recently. She said that young men in Zhengning are less demanding because after several unsatisfactory blind dates they realize that it is difficult to find the right partner.

"By contrast, young women in these places usually aim high, especially those who have returned to the county after working in big cities," she said.

"As they have received more education, seen more of the world and can earn more money, they are pickier about prospective partners, which raises the bride price."

Deng said the high bride price locally is also due to women's desire to compare themselves to others. If a woman gets a lower bride price than her peers, people around her may think that there is something wrong with her.

In some poor families that contain both a son and daughter, the parents ask for a high bride price because they want to give the money to their son to help him find a wife. Some families even fall into debt after paying the bride price.

Now, the trend is being reversed as governments at all levels are advocating cheaper wedding ceremonies and reasonable bride prices.

Sustainable approach

Meanwhile, the younger generation of couples is pursuing a more sustainable way of marriage.

He Fan, a 24-year-old newlywed from Weifang, Shandong province, received a bride price of 100,000 yuan, but returned 80,000 yuan as her dowry. Her 25-year-old husband lives in the province's Zaozhuang. He works as a programmer, earning 7,000 yuan a month. He has a car, but owns no property.

"My husband and I met online while playing the same games. I trust him and I don't need money to prove his love to me," He said.

"My parents had a good first impression of him, but they needed him to show good faith in the marriage via the bride price because they were worried that I might be wronged by my new family."

She said her bride price was much lower than the local average, but her parents still agreed to the marriage and returned 80 percent as a dowry to help support the newlyweds.

"I like him, not his bride price. A happy marriage is more important than a high bride price, which is just a formality," He said.

In a video she posted in April, Yang Shuhui, a 27-year-old video blogger from Zhejiang province who has millions of followers on social media, gave her thoughts on bride price as she announced that she was getting married.

"In big cities it's true that people in their 20s really can't afford to buy a house, so they need the starting capital as help from parents," she said, adding that young people and parents are trying to achieve a balance.

Liu Xi contributed to this story.

Contact the writer at lihongyang@chinadaily.com.cn