Dying with dignity, living with love

Life before death

Xu started to re-examine her life, and, in particular, her relationships with her parents, husband and daughter.

She stopped being a people pleaser. She readjusted her relationships with her family. She reconciled with her mother in her mind and, most importantly, learned to talk to, admire and cherish herself.

When her cancer returned, she found she didn't fear death anymore.

"Death is as saintly as birth. I'm completely in awe of and obedient to it," she says.

"Death can come at any time. Then, I will be happy to go. But now, I will live each day well."

When her mother was terminally ill, Xu did not know what to do at home, so she had to send her to the hospital, leaving her to die alone there. When her father, who had Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, reached his last period of life, she knew what to do. And when she was not sure, she turned to Qin and Professor Ning Xiaohong from the palliative care unit of Peking Union Medical College Hospital.

"When a family member is going to die, be generous and give him or her more love, even if it's just your touch or hugs, which are better than a thousand words," she says.

"Let them feel how you really love and cherish them. And they'll leave this world surrounded by your love."

Chinese people of her father's generation are, in general, not used to affectionate touching and hugs, and typically feel embarrassed when their children tell them they love them.

Bit by bit, Xu brought her father to accept all her expressions of love through words and body language. She also help him imagine, through visualization, the fulfillment of wishes related to major life concerns like education, family and career.

In the end, he died peacefully, with her by his side.