Great parenting is all about finding the right balance

Whenever I feel my mother's love, I always feel that behind it is more of an expectation. For example, I mustn't drag my feet while walking, can't make noise while eating and I must have a good academic performance. When I was a child, I was obedient and did well in my studies. But from a young age, when I was being disciplined by her, there was a voice in my heart that spoke of my rebellion. I would always think, when I become a mother, I will never be like this.

I think between two generations, we can't say who's at fault. We are limited by circumstances and mindset. There's no blame in this issue. I never blame my mother for not giving me enough maternal love. I've never been one to play the victim. Without a victim mentality, I can solve the problem and continue to create something new.

Children are more self-disciplined than we adults think. For example, I explain to my son the potential impact of sugar on his health and teeth. So, we have designated every Saturday as "sugar day". He can eat as much as he wants on that day, but no sugar on other days.

At just over 2 years old, he started asking what day it was. You can't be too rigid with rules. I asked him if he really wanted it. If yes, okay, have it today, but no more on Saturday. I was creating a framework of rules for him. Within that, I don't need to manage every detail. He might slip up once or twice. But after you discuss the consequences with him, he'll be better at self-control.

Even if he tells me in the future that he doesn't want to go to college, I'm okay with that. It's hard to say that children from top schools are always happy or successful. Life is about experiences, about creating, not about achieving a specific outcome. I see the light in my son's eyes, happiness, curiosity, gentleness and empathy. He's very good at discovering and solving problems. These qualities are enough for him to lead a wonderful life, a life where he can create.

Why does he have to live in a big city? Why does he have to work? I would think it's great even if one day he tells me he wants to go to the mountains to herd sheep.

If a job is just about having money to sustain your life or a high-quality life, why isn't life the focus? We've got it all mixed up. Do you want a good life or a good job? If it's a good life you want, there are so many ways to achieve it.

If we set the end goal as being an elite in a big city as providing a good life, this misplaced focus will inevitably lead to anxiety. It's hard to imagine that in 20 years, our next generation will have the same jobs we do now. It's even possible that they won't need jobs and will still lead meaningful and happy lives. Many things can be assisted by artificial intelligence. The most important thing for children that cannot be replaced is the curiosity and problem-solving abilities they have from a young age. I think the reason why so many parents struggle with tutoring and homework is that they've got it wrong. Who is responsible when things go wrong? The responsibility for homework lies with the child, not the parent.

Luo Peng spoke with Li Hongyang.

Contact the writer at lihongyang@chinadaily.com.cn