Society
The mother-in-law of all family battles
By Zhou Wenting (China Daily)
Updated: 2011-04-22 07:36
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Pamper the only son
It is widely acknowledged that the man, who is in the middle of his mother and wife, is the main issue of the relationship.
In the past, a mother-in-law's love and attention were dispersed when she had several children. Now the only son, who has been the sole receiver of his mother's care, stresses the in-law relationship.
Su Chengfeng, 60, a mother-in-law in Jingzhou, Hubei province, said that the first time she met her son's girlfriend, three years ago, she was overwhelmed by the feeling that her son was being snatched away. Her rage increased as she saw her son carry each dish to the girl's plate, peel shrimp for her, talk to her laughingly.
"I felt like I was invisible," Su said. "It's not a mistake for my son to treat his girlfriend well, but I was really sad that my boy, who in my eyes was still the little infant sleeping next to me, now takes care of another woman."
After her son married, Su's war with her daughter-in-law escalated frequently.
"I suffered a bitter in-law relationship when I was a daughter-in-law, so I originally thought I must be a kind mother-in-law. But I can't control myself," Su said.
The daughter-in-law was dissatisfied that Su asked her to share housework while Su's son was exempted, although they were both busy with their jobs. Su asked the daughter-in-law to shop for groceries on a Sunday morning, but when she wanted to wake her husband to accompany her, Su told her to let the man sleep more.
"I spent all my effort to cultivate my only son to amount to something, so I don't want him to bear any hardship," Su said. "For the same reason, anything that happened to my son made me nervous."
At the end of that year, after an altercation between her son and daughter-in-law, Su went to a temple to draw divination sticks, which told her the daughter-in-law would bring misfortune to her son. Su was afraid of the consequences of not believing the omen, and began to find faults with her daughter-in-law, finally triggering a fierce argument.
The marriage ended within a year.
Distance can help
To dodge everyday in-law clashes, it is increasingly popular for the post-1980 generation to live independently after marriage. Experts in family affairs welcome the practice, saying it is the most effective way to keep a harmonious relationship.
"We can give a long list of theoretical methods to deal with in-law conflicts, but they often fail in real life," said Xu Liugen, director of the China Association of Social Workers' marriage and family affairs committee. "It is the right time for the young generation to break away with the tradition of sharing a house with parents."
Apartments for sale appeared in China after reform and opening-up was introduced in 1978. Past generations, except some whose employers provided housing, had no alternatives to living with their parents. Young couples today have the option.
According to the 2010 Report of Young Chinese Internet Users' Attitudes Toward Love and Marriage, up to 80 percent of people aged 18 to 35 live or plan to live apart from their parents after marrying. The report was conducted by a research center established in 2005 by Peking University and Baidu, the search engine company.
However, most young adults can only gaze at housing prices and sigh.
"Who doesn't want a home of her own and to escape the mother-in-law's nagging? But we can never afford a house with a modest salary," said Zhou, the Shanghai native. "Compared with the in-law conflict, the housing price is a fiercer tiger."
Under the great pressure of housing prices, a home has become an indispensable qualification in looking for a husband.
"I know my temperament quite well. To avoid fights, I am determined not to live with my parents-in-law after marriage. So I have to hunt for a man with a house," said Su Fei, 26, of Beijing. She said this is a common practice.
Cut them some slack
A house alone does not solve the problem. Family affairs experts say both sides of the in-law relationship should be lenient with each other, because they grew up in disparate environments and were educated differently.
Hu Yue, a 24-year-old Shanghai native, has a closet overflowing with handbags. When she heard her mother-in-law complain of her wastefulness, she did not get angry. She stopped buying handbags and clothes so frequently.
"It is normal that two generations don't share the same consumption ideas, for they lived a hard life when they were young," said Hu, whose compromise quite pleased her mother-in-law.
Some post-1980 women, who also get along well with their mothers-in-law, said the secret is to solve disputes with knowledge - or to prevent them by keeping some information private.
Since Yang Teng gave birth to her son last year, her mother-in-law seemed to have a different opinion about everything concerning the baby. The senior thought the infant should eat as much as he could; Yang believed in smaller, more frequent meals.
"Actually, parents nowadays are not behind the times. They will look for my method on the Internet or in a book. After finding the proof, they will take my advice easily," said Yang, 26, who works in a bank in Xingtai, Hebei province.
Sun Xiaowen, 27, who works for a magazine in Shanghai, said, "No matter how soiled, lazy and peevish I am with my husband, I don't reveal that in front of my mother-in-law.
"When my mother-in-law sees how I look after her son, who is like a child at home, she will be moved and stand on the same side with me," Sun said. "There are only 20 years or so for us to dote on parents-in-law. Why not treat them better?"
Most daughters-in-law of the post-1980 generation interviewed by China Daily said they are confident that they will be good mothers-in-law in 20 years.
"I will keep relatively independent of my son's family and show due respect to their life and space," Yi Jun said. "I will love my daughter-in-law wholeheartedly if we get along well. If not, I will receive her with courtesy."