I never felt as though I had a mother
Mo Qing (not his real name), a 30-year-old university teacher who has severe depression
The reason I developed depression is closely related to the experiences I had while growing up. My parents were both teachers and they were always very busy, so I often stayed at home alone after school in the evenings, at weekends and during the summer and winter holidays. I was an only child, and my parents always locked me in the house to ensure that I was safe when they were not at home. I was just a teenager then, and I could only talk with my neighborhood playmates through the locked windows.
The lack of communication meant I never developed the feeling of having a mother. I have never felt as though I had a mother.
During my childhood, I was frequently shuttled between different people who looked after me, including nannies, and it made me feel unwanted. I have always felt the sort of anxiety a baby feels. I fear death, too.
When I was 13 or 14, I was desperately in need of emotional support and fell in love. The breaking point came when my girlfriend suddenly died from heart disease.
At the time, I felt hopeless and was so pessimistic about my future. I felt as though I would never find happiness again. I also had a physiological reaction. For example, I woke at 4 am every day, no matter how late I went to bed.
I also attempted suicide. At last, I could not endure what was happening, so I went to my teacher for help.
She suggested that I go to the hospital, but I insisted that I should address the problem myself. I tried my best to cheer up every day but it didn't work, so eventually I gave up and consulted a doctor.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2006, while I was studying at the China Pharmaceutical University in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, East China.
My depression has been attributed to physical illness, but I think I inherited the condition from a family member.
Luckily, the college where I studied was very considerate and provided support, including granting me a scholarship to cover my medical expenditures. That meant my condition did not worsen after I graduated.
However, things became serious again in 2008 after I stopped taking medication in 2007. I lost my job, and since then, I have been taking medicine and paying more attention to my condition.
I now work as a university teacher. I think I look the same as my other colleagues, and my employer doesn't know that I have this illness.
I hope society will offer more support and care to depressed people because they face many difficulties, such as higher rates of unemployment, and are more likely to injure themselves deliberately.
Many people with depression actually have some advantages, such as independent thinking. They are not suited to following popular conventions, such as studying hard just to earn high marks at school or wanting to marry a wealthy person immediately after graduating from university.
Mo Qing spoke with Wang Xiaodong
