The diary of a New York love-seeking doll
By Stephanie Klein (Independent)
Updated: 2004-07-29 09:20

July 23

Facts of life

"I learnt a lot," people say as they reflect on a hurtful past. What should we say? I was curled in fetal position for so long on the bathroom floor, that when I did actually sleep, I dreamt in bathroom tiles? You don't want to hear that. You want to learn what we learnt. When we're in pain, we learn and we g-r-o-w.

I'm enormous. Really fucking huge.

I never asked, "Why me?", because I believe we all suffer in this lifetime.

It was glorious being pregnant and married. Learning he was out without his band of gold, telling lies in my mouth, and completely disrespecting our vows and my heart was not so glam. When I had an abortion, he didn't offer. He didn't show. He was a boy who couldn't step up to be a man. And I loved him, but I walked.

People ask me why I married him. Jewish, wealthy, funny, charming, good-looking, very well-educated, and a great dresser... and he wanted me? I mean, if I met that now, my friends would squeal and smile, gripping handfuls of my shirt as they pull me closer for the juicy details. But if I learnt anything, it's just not about all that. It's really really not. See, that's where my self-esteem was. I felt special that someone I greatly esteemed actually wanted me, Moose. Mister scholar athlete of the year, every year, wanted me. Ironically, it made me feel respected. People noticed me now. I worried I'd go back to ugly without him.

He fell victim to it, too. That need to feel important, and thinking it will come from external sources instead of from within. He wanted the spotlight. Bungalow 8 and Page Six. Honestly, I loved him. I really really did. And you know, he did love me, too. He really did. But the boy broke my heart to pieces with his recklessness. I mean just wiped the floor with me. It's one thing to fall out of love, but quite another to come home every day trying to get me pregnant while he knew he was cheating. That's a lack of character, conscience, and soul. It's vapid.

I wonder if he regrets it. Something tells me he doesn't for a second. I think that's even worse; it's such an empty life. It's remarkably horrible. So you learn, all in all, you take the good; you take the bad.

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