Cardinal Richelieu: May we speak a little about foreign policy?

King Louis XIII: It's not about Buckingham, is it?

Cardinal Richelieu: I'm afraid it is. He's arriving in Paris tomorrow. His master, King James, has agreed to hear our peace proposal.

King Louis XIII: Good, good. Well, he knows better than to mess with me, then.

Cardinal Richelieu: There's also another matter. A dangerous rivalry has sprung between your Majesty's Musketeers and my personal guards.

King Louis XIII: Who was involved?

Cardinal Richelieu: Athos, Porthos, Aramis.

King Louis XIII: The usual suspects.

Cardinal Richelieu: And a young man called d'Artagnan. I have summoned them to the palace so that your Majesty can punish them severely.

Imperial bodyguard: His Majesty, the King!

King Louis XIII: Well, well, well. Brawling with the Cardinal's Guards. That's very bad. What have you got to say for yourselves?

D'Artagnan: We--

Aramis: Humbly beg your pardon, your Majesty.

King Louis XIII: Yes. Yes, I should hope so, too. So, tell me, how many were involved in the altercation?

Porthos: There were four of us against 40 of them, your Majesty.

King Louis XIII: Four against 40? And you beat them like a drum? And, uh, yes, you shall have to be reprimanded, of course, most harshly, I'm afraid. You do understand that, don't you?

Athos: We do, your Majesty.

Imperial bodyguard: Her Majesty, the Queen.

King Louis XIII: Anne. What a, what a pleasant surprise!

Queen Anne: My ladies and I wanted to see the valiant musketeers who stood against the Cardinal's Guards. Four against 40? Or was it 400?

Athos: Just 40, your Majesty. It was an off day.

King Louis XIII: That's my musketeers for you. By the time they write songs about them, it'll be 4,000.

Queen Anne: I hope you won't be too harsh with them. After all, boys will be boys. You must be d'Artagnan. My lady in waiting has told me about how brave and dashing you were yesterday. But you must try not to be so reckless.

D'Artagnan: Can't help myself, your Majesty.

Cardinal Richelieu: Your Majesty, the culprits.

King Louis XIII: Ah, yes, yes. Well, stand up, then. Athos. Porthos. Aramis. Forgive me for saying this, d'Artagnan, but you do look a little underdressed.

D'Artagnan: My father is a poor man, your Majesty. A former musketeer as well. These are the only clothes I have.

King Louis XIII: Oh, Lord. We shall have to rectify that. Can't have my musketeers, or the son of one, looking like tramps. New suits all 'round, I think. Yes. You'll see to that, Cardinal? And, yes, I think a purse of gold for each as a reward for your courage. You'll see to that as well, Cardinal. Oh, and, yes, before I forget, no more fighting with his Eminence's Guards. Or there'll be none of them left.

Cardinal Richelieu: Your Majesty, might I suggest a more....

Queen Anne: Forgive my impudence, Cardinal, but I doubt the king requires your advice in this matter. After all, they are his musketeers. Good day, gentlemen.

King Louis XIII: Well, now, off with you rascals. But, uh, be there for the parade tomorrow. New suits and all.

*************************

Cardinal Richelieu: I tire of these royal children. It's time to make our move. We shall use Buckingham's arrival to our advantage. During his visit, we will reveal that he arranged a secret rendezvous with the queen.

Milady: May I inquire how your Eminence has uncovered this scandalous affair?

Cardinal Richelieu: By reading Buckingham's letters to the queen, found in her possession.

Milady: Written in Buckingham's hand, then authenticated by his seal?

Cardinal Richelieu: A woman of your talents should have no trouble procuring either.

Milady: Your Eminence is too kind. However, I doubt that the king will accept such letters as definitive proof of his wife's indiscretion.

Cardinal Richelieu: Then we shall provide him with something a bit more substantial. A piece of the queen's jewelry given to Buckingham as a token of affection.

Milady: Buckingham will be humiliated.

Cardinal Richelieu: The king will be outraged.

Milady: The queen will be executed.

Cardinal Richelieu: France will have no choice but to go to war.

Milady: And in times like these, France will naturally turn to a stronger leader.

Cardinal Richelieu: Someone better equipped to rule a nation than acuckolded teenager with a grudge.

Milady: Someone like your Eminence.