Mixed emotions on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a widely celebrated day as men and women show their affection by crowding into restaurants for a romantic dinner, giving chocolates, roses, jewelry and other gifts - and even proposing marriage.

It's also a time when the term sheng nu - or "leftover woman" - comes to mind for some Chinese women.

"I am still single and have no boyfriend," says Victoria, 29. "Even my parents call me a leftover woman now. Almost every time we talk on the phone, they push me to find a boyfriend." And as for Valentine's Day, "I hate it," she says. "Everything is made for couples and reminds me that I am still single."

The word sheng nu is widely used to refer to unmarried women over the age of 27.

In 2007, China's Ministry of Education even added the term to its official lexicon. The ministry defined sheng nu women with what it called the "3s": single, seventies (most born in the 1970s) and stuck (still single).

The term "leftover" sounds harsh, but it isn't necessarily bad, says Dorothy Ko, a professor at Barnard College in New York, whose research focuses on culture in early modern China and gender and history of Chinese women.

"At least the Ministry of Education in China recognizes this is a prevalent issue," she says. "By naming it, it may raise awareness and encourage the public to discuss it and to realize that the rationale of an early marriage is actually obsolete in our developed society today."

Being ambitious is why it's difficult to find a husband, according to 14 Chinese women interviewed for this article who are either studying for graduate degrees in the US or have completed their studies. The women, all of whom asked not to be identified by their last names, live in Washington, New York, Knoxville, Tennessee, and Athens, Ohio.

"When I was in college, my parents said I am too young to have a serious relationship, and they thought I could find a better educated man later in higher education, like in a master's program," says Victoria.

"Now I am in a PhD program, and somehow I was suddenly labeled as a leftover woman by my parents and society."

Fan, 26, who is seeking her master's degree at Ohio University in Athens, says she had dinner on Lunar New Year's Eve with four of her friends, all of whom are single and Chinese, and one of the main topics of discussion was dating and what Chinese men think of Chinese women who study for advanced degrees in the US.

"Chinese men are not confident enough to have great girls like us," Fan says. "In traditional Chinese culture, men want to marry down. We are too good for them and too independent because we study abroad."

Fan says her friends act as a support group for one another to ward off feeling lonely, especially on Valentine's Day. They'll mark the day by holding a party just for themselves. "We will buy roses and gifts for each other," she says.

Although Fan will spend Valentine's Day with her friends and her age of 26 is one year shy of being labeled a "leftover woman", she says that doesn't make not having a boyfriend any easier. "I do hope I can meet my Mr Right someday and receive roses from him."

Fan says she would like to find a man who matches her education level, no matter how long it takes. The other Chinese women interviewed say they are eager to find a husband, be it a Chinese man or not.

"I go to parties, dance classes, even every time I go grocery shopping, I hope I can meet someone," says 28-year-old Tracy, who works for a telecom company in Washington, where she graduated from George Washington University.

Tracy says she believes her chances of finding a "nice guy" will decrease as she gets older. "I need to find someone before I am 30," she says. "Even in Chinese culture, there are less women willing to get married in their early 20s. Age 30 is acceptable."

Pressure to get married at a young age and perhaps give up a career goal isn't limited to China, of course, and it doesn't come from just parents or society in general, said the women who were interviewed.

Stephanie, a 30-year-old real estate agent who has worked in New York City for more than three years since graduating from the University of Buffalo in New York state, says that her friends have arranged blind dates for her since she turned 26.

"I cannot remember how many guys I met on blind dates," she says, adding that none of the dates worked for her.

"One guy made noise when he was eating," she says. "One guy wore a pink shirt, which I didn't like. One guy was still dating his ex-girlfriend for almost six years, and I didn't think he could totally forget her."

Stephanie says her parents and friends told her she was too picky, and that there was no perfect man. She didn't agree: "I felt that if I met my Mr Right, I would recognize him at first glance." And she did, in October 2012 at a sports bar in Manhattan.

"I don't usually talk to strangers in a bar," Stephanie says. "Somehow, we started chatting."

Now she and the Chinese man she met - who has a graduate degree - will get engaged in the spring.

"I used to think Valentine's Day is the darkest day of the year. But now it sounds and seems sweet."

haidanhu12@chinadailyusa.com