Bei-jingle bells ring in my kind of Christmas

I've always seen Christmas as the Western equivalent of Chinese New Year or Spring Festival. Like most Chinese consumers, I'm able to mentally discard all the religious associations and go right to the fun part.

Before you give me the full rundown of the origins of Christmas, I'll stake out my position: Both holidays take place at the end of a year, thus having the function of ringing out the old and bringing in the new; both feature family reunions complete with lavish banquets and gift giving; both highlight images that can happen only at the Northern Hemisphere, such as winter wonderlands and padded clothing.

In the true spirit of holiday frolicking, I'll combine the two occasions and come up with a very Chinese Christmas.

Santa Clause will embark on his journey in a grand sedan. The reindeers will be morphed into eunuchs, each holding a red lantern to light up the way.

A crashing of the cymbal will announce the arrival of the burly man. And of course, there's no way he'll climb down the chimney - that's so secretive and undignified.

The recipient family will be waken up and called into the front yard of their household, where the parents and their only child will kneel down and thank Santa for the precious gifts.

Santa will sing out the list of gifts to the tune of Nessun Dorma, accompanied by a Peking Opera orchestra. Given his size and shape, a baritone or a bass will probably look more suitable than a tenor.

That brings us to the issue of carols. The only Christmas carol popular in China is Jingle Bells, and it is sung at any time except December. You know why? Because bells stand out only in a quiet background. Let's change all the tinkling jingling bells into popping firecrackers.

That'll be very festively Chinese. And forget about Silent Night. Try Noisy Night instead. Now you know why I chose Nessun Dorma, which is Italian for "Nobody shall sleep".

I've heard an Afro version of Handel's Messiah, and that gave me a lot of inspiration. Yup, we should localize it to spread the message. The chorus should be replaced with a band of pipa, which will add to the urgency of the coming of baby Jesus. All those acrobatic vocals of coloratura can easily be transformed into Chinese opera, with higher pitches but without missing a beat.

Hallelujah can be performed while acrobats build a human pyramid, which is the ideal visualization of this endlessly upward-reaching piece of music.

Last but not least, the tree. It stays, but it has to be an orange tree - to symbolize good fortune.

Instead of baubles, small oranges, real or plastic, will sparkle from the branches. Add to them couplets and riddles, and it'll last to the 15th day of the new year.

You'll never worry about toddlers gulping down inedible trinkets. If an ornament is not chewable, they'll automatically switch to a real orange. And every time you say "orange" in Chinese, the baby will say "Hey, you're blessing me with good luck!"

You see? A Chinese Christmas is not hard to imagine. And I bet baijiu makes perfectly intoxicating eggnog.

(China Daily 12/25/2007 page20)