Laughing hard to hide a bitter sadness

He sighed. His silence surprised me, for he had been open with me about his entangled relationship with Jenny. They had been married for 10 years, a seemingly perfect couple. Then Jenny pushed him away - she was distant in bed and in life. She said she wanted to be alone. Jason had always wanted to remarry her, if she would ever agree, even though she kept pushing him away.

"A month after I re-married," Jason finally started, "Jenny tried to commit suicide. She put a" Jason made the shape of a rope around his neck. "She was rushed to the hospital. It took her several months to wake up. She still can't take care of herself. Her hands shake all the time"

I was shocked. Oh Jenny, pretty Jenny with her smooth long hair.

"She told me that she had been depressed for very long," Jason continued. "I should have noticed in the latter years of our marriage. Now, whenever I visit her, she hits me. She cries and says it's my fault. What can I do? I'm married now expecting a baby. It is my fault."

We finished a second cigarette and went back in. I sat deep in the couch, nursing my headache from the hangover. The noisy chatter seemed tasteless - are we spending so much time dwelling on the good old days so that we can get away from the cruel reality that shall be unnamed among old friends? How I longed to talk to them about our present confusions and longings, like we used to. Life had been a lot tougher than we had ever imagined, yet we all conspired to hide our scars in baiiju and laughter.

So I left, hoping for another reunion in which we could be younger.