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Entertainment 2005: What might have been
(AP)
Updated: 2005-12-31 11:37
It may not have been evident at the time, but when Tom Cruise was leaping up
and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch, he was like a piston, churning the wheels of
fate.
Tom Cruise embraces
fiancee Katie Holmes during the red-carpet arrivals for the United States
premiere of Steven Spielberg's movie War of the Worlds, in New York, in a
Thursday, June 23, 2005 photo. [AP] | Had Cruise
not chosen to express his love for Katie Holmes on that momentous May day, 2005
might have been very different. Just imagine:
Hurt by Cruise's cold, somber manner on "Oprah," Holmes storms out of the
studio and announces that she's leaving the "War of the Worlds" star.
"He could have at least hugged an ottoman," Holmes says.
Spurned by the 27-year-old beauty, Cruise undergoes a period of
self-examination and gives up Scientology. Devastated over losing its most
famous member, the church quickly recruits Russell Crowe.
Enlightenment soothes Crowe's anger, and the notorious phone-tossing incident
never happens (although there are reports of the actor flicking a Cheez-It at a
hotel bellboy).
His good reputation takes a hit, though, when Crowe (promoting "Cinderella
Man") calls "Today" host Matt Lauer "glib" while discussing medication. The word
is apparently central to Scientology beliefs 錕斤拷 like "sin" is for Catholics.
Crowe's "Cinderella Man" co-star, Renee Zellweger, thrown by the brouhaha,
seeks solace not in country star Kenny Chesney, but someone just as surprising.
She marries "American Idol" finalist Bo Bice, a decision criticized by Simon
Cowell.
The wedding news breaks just as the circulatory dating of Brad Pitt, Angelina
Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hits full stride. It becomes too much
for tabloid editors, who begin referring to them as Brangelinastonaughn.
The partner-swapping also elicits fierce debate over whether each
relationship is based on true love or strategic image-making and movie-selling.
The theory 錕斤拷 dubbed "intelligent design" 錕斤拷 doesn't quite make it to the Supreme
Court.
One case that does make it to a courtroom, though, is Anna Nicole Smith's
suit against Kanye West alleging that his hit song "Gold Digger" is about her.
The trial is dismissed, though, after Smith shows up late to court in her
pajamas.
West remains bitter, a feeling intensified by the mishandling of Hurricane
Katrina. At a telethon, his co-presenter, Mike Myers, is replaced at the last
minute by Michael Jackson. A confused West then proclaims: " George Bush hates
white people."
Distraught over his mistake, West joins Dave Chappelle in South Africa.
Paris Hilton never meets her would-be fiance, Paris Latsis. Instead, she
becomes engaged to herself. "That's hot," she claims.
The engagement lasts three weeks before splintering amid a dispute over the
prenuptial agreement.
Jessica Simpson, witnessing Hilton's breakup drama, opts to stay married to
Nick Lachey. Their "Newlyweds" show is renamed "Mildly Satisfied, Sort of
Unhappy Married Couple, Remaining Together for Financial Reasons 錕斤拷 Like Everyone
Else."
By some strange coincidence, Martha Stewart and New York Times reporter
Judith Miller end up at the same prison. Stewart brightens up Miller's cell with
curtains and Miller helps Stewart with her "Apprentice" catch phrase.
The pair rules the jail, forming the "Valerie Plame Gang" in which each
member must get a tattoo reading "VPG for Life: Disclose this!"
In this alternate reality, though, Britney Spears and
Kevin Federline remain together. Even history's left-hand turns can't stop true
love.
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