Marriage deferred for an independent life

As Chinese parents ask their children, 'Don't you think it's about time you got married?', more and more are replying: 'I don't think so.'

Zhang Zixuan has decided to paint herself out of the corner that society had painted her into. In that corner stand many of her peers, single women in their late 20s and early 30s anxious about being unable to marry before it is "too late".

The anxiety they feel is so palpable that they are willing to subject themselves to blind dates that well-meaning parents or other relatives or friends arrange for them, eager to spare them the supposed ignominy of being tagged "left on the shelf".

Many also avail themselves of the possibilities that online matchmaking sites offer them of meeting "the right person".

In Chinese society it has traditionally been deemed not only appropriate but almost obligatory to marry before the age of 30 - a rule applied much more aggressively to women than men - but things are changing.

Zhang, 32, of Beijing, has decided to throw convention out the window and devote herself to the present love of her life, painting. A career as an artist is much more important to her, she has decided, and other matters of the heart can simply be allowed to take their course.

Right now, she says, she enjoys her life as a single person and is prepared to wait for Mr Right to appear at a time that destiny dictates. Apart from painting, her leisure time is fulfilling, she says, spending it with friends, going to the gym, watching movies, going to concerts and learning the mandolin.

"What matters most to me is making my mark in the arts. If, because of work, destiny or whatever, I never marry, I can happily live with that."

Early last year she quit her job as a reporter because she wanted to be an artist. She detests rigid routine, she says, preferring adventure and the vagaries that life happens to serve up, and she often travels alone.

"Over the years I have not met anyone who could give me the true feeling of love. If I really like someone, it is me who takes the initiative."

Although she has little experience of long-term relationships, she says, she longs for an intense and dramatic relationship.

"If I die without having had such an experience, I will rue it because I think I will have missed out on something. But I will feel no such regret simply because I never married."

As China has modernized and opened up to the world over the past 35 years, social norms have become a lot more fluid, and that applies particularly to questions of marriage and divorce, certainly in the past 10 years or so.

These days more and more men and women either refuse to conform to the so-called norms of society relating to marriage and having children, or do not marry for some other reason. And as they wait for Mr Right or Miss Right to come along, they are content to find spiritual fulfilment in other pursuits, such as their job or in hobbies.

According to the national census in 2010, in the 25-29 age group, 36.3 percent of men and 21.6 percent of women were unmarried; in the 30-34 age group, 12.6 percent of men and 5.3 percent of women were unmarried.

Zhang says she has been on blind dates twice because she did not want to disappoint the matchmakers who had wanted to help her, a workmate and a friend of her parents. Matchmakers need to know about what kind of person both parties like, she says, adding that the insight of matchmakers has a direct bearing on the success of such encounters.

In the first of her blind dates, the man was a "male chauvinist", she says, and their values were totally different. She felt uncomfortable but had to endure the discomfort until the date ended.

"The experience of those two dates was horrible. I find it all very insulting, and there is no way that I will ever force myself to go on a blind date again.

"Many people get married before they think about the huge responsibility behind that piece of paper. Marriage is a huge step to take, and it's a decision that is much too onerous for me. I won't get married unless the other person gives me the confidence I need.

"When two people decide they want to be together, they want to be better than when they are single, right? If not, why are they doing what they are doing? You can't use morality or tradition to force someone into marriage."

She feels little pressure from her parents, who are open-minded and put her happiness first, she says.

Like Zhang, Zhu, 29, of Beijing, who wants to give only her surname, says she is focused on her career, and marriage is not a priority. Neither is she anxious to find love, she says, adding that she is happy to meet someone she really likes.

Zhu, a financial analyst, attributes her being single to the fact that her social circle is small, she is busy at work and she is a passive person. She completed her postgraduate studies when she was 25, she says, when many Chinese women start to worry about marriage.

"Just because I have not been in love does not mean I'm immature with relationships, but I won't start a relationship hastily. I don't think having too many relationships is good.

"In the fast-paced society in which we live it is very easy to marry. Some just marry each other when they reach marriageable age and then start to cultivate relationships. It's not easy to marry a person that you really like."

Zhu says she thinks she may be bisexual, but does not think that prevents her from having relationships. Indeed, she jokes that it increases her chances of falling in love with someone. "I don't care whether my lover is a man or a woman, as long as he or she is the right one."

Like many Chinese parents, her parents want her to marry because they fear she will end up lonely, but at the same time they do not want to force her into marrying someone she has no feelings for. Zhu says she is trying to assure them she can have a good life even if she remains single.

She dislikes blind dates, she says, because they make her feel like a product, with those involved looking at the specifications of the two parties, such as age, appearance, salary and wealth.

She has little leisure time, she says, and in the little that she does she relaxes by cooking, jogging and watching soap operas. She works more than 10 hours a day from Monday to Friday, and reads and analyzes news about investment on Saturdays or Sundays.

Her single female friends have a few things in common, she says, all being well-educated, financially independent and mature in their thinking. They have certain expectations about love and are unwilling to accept second best.

Female friends of hers who have children have gradually shifted their focus to their families and have little time to spend with friends, she says. She finds, too, that they gradually have fewer things to chat about because they spend most of their energy on their children.

"It's true that single people have more freedom. But when you're ill or feel vulnerable, you can feel lonely. It comes down to this: Do you wait for the right person, or do you simply make do with any person?"

Luo Ruixue, 31, of Shanghai, who works for an advertising agency, says: "I never worry that I will end up not marrying. But I always know that I don't want to get married when I am young.

"Marriage will last several decades of your life. The world is so big and colorful, so why not make the most of life while you are still single?"

About four years ago, when she was pursuing postgraduate studies in South Korea, her boyfriend proposed to her. He was in China and wanted her to come back to marry him after she graduated.

"I liked him very much, but I was nervous about getting married. I wanted to work for one or two years in South Korea and didn't want to change my plans, so we broke up."

However, when she eventually returned to China she felt pressure from parents, friends and colleagues, urging her to find a boyfriend.

After subscribing to a dating website, one of its staff contacted her saying she had said she was seeking someone aged 30 to 33, but that this group of men only wanted to find women aged 25 to 28.

"She asked me to lower my standard to older men, and I refused. That kind of ageism against women is common in China. Many men want to marry younger women."

Eventually she met someone through the website, but that relationship lasted just six months because the man was too busy.

Being single means she has time to do the things she wants to do and to improve herself, such as learning the piano, she says.

Bin, 66, a retired public servant and freelance photographer of Beijing, who wants to give only his surname, says that while people younger than him are looking after grandchildren, he goes on media tours and posts his works online.

"Marriage is just a piece of paper. If you put too much store by it, it is going to restrict you. Chinese often think marriage is a precondition to living a real life. I don't have it, but I live a good life.

"I have no regrets at all. I can do whatever I like. People always tell me I should have company. Why should I do that?"

After two failed relationships when he was in his late teens and 30s he lost interest in marriage, he says. However, in the early 1990s, under pressure from his mother, he paid 30 yuan ($4.70) for a blind date activity, he says, and through that he met a divorcee with a 6-year-old daughter. After about three months they married.

What gave rise to this haste was that his employer was going to allocate him a house, he says, and if he was married it meant the house would be double the size, more than 50 square meters.

In the event, the marriage lasted less than one year because, he says, he and his wife were incompatible.

In 2001 he formed a relationship with a woman in her 20s he had met online, a relationship that lasted five years and ended when she went to work in another city. It had been clear from the outset that her family would never give their blessing to their marriage because Bin was older than her father.

Bin, who is humorous, sociable and knowledgeable, says he has many friends, and that his relationships and his marriage reaffirm for him the importance of enjoying one's life.

xulin@chinadaily.com.cn