老外在中國：我的面子碎一地

有時候，尊嚴就像泡沫，隨時可能破滅。去年來到中國后，我經歷了幾件很丟面子的事情。英國人給我這種倒霉不斷的人起了個名字 —— “沃利”（Wally是一個常見的英文名字，有“廢物，笨蛋”的意思）。

By DAVID BOGLE

Sometimes dignity feels like bubble waiting to be burst.
有時候，尊嚴就像泡沫，隨時可能破滅。

We Brits like that sort of thing - we love to see pompous characters having their treasured dignity destroyed.
我們英國人對此喜聞樂見——我們喜歡看到那些自視清高的人的寶貴尊嚴被摧毀。

My dad wasn't pompous. He was a kind, polite man but, like many of his generation, he was quite formal and well-mannered. He wore a tie even when he was digging the garden. His dignity was important to him.
我的父親身上沒有一絲傲氣，他是一個善良而有禮貌的紳士。和那一代的許多人一樣，他總是不茍言笑、彬彬有禮。即便是在花園鋤地，他也總是系著領帶。對他而言，尊嚴無比重要。

So when one of my mum's friends called to visit as he was watching TV, he knew it was his duty to stand up as a lady entered the room. Unfortunately, as he did so his trousers fell down around his ankles.
有一次，我媽媽的一位朋友打電話說要來拜訪。她走進屋子時，我父親正在看電視。他總是認為，當有女士到來時，自己應該站起來以示尊重。不幸的是，就在他起身的那一刻，他的褲子掉到腳踝附近。

I can't remember how he reacted because I was temporarily blinded by tears of laughter - but it's a fair bet that he cringed at the thought of that incident for months, if not years, afterwards.
我不記得他當時是如何反應的，因為我笑得眼淚汪汪——但我可以肯定，在幾個月、甚至是幾年之后，他仍會對這個意外感到難堪。

Since arriving in China last year I have had a couple of dignity-tarnishing incidents.
去年來到中國后，我經歷了幾件很丟面子的事情。

Imagining a Chinese online bank account to be something like its British equivalent, I arranged to set one up. But when I was paid a month later, I couldn't access the account on my laptop.
我以為中國的網上銀行賬號功能和英國的類似，于是我開通了一個賬號。但是一個月后，當我準備付款時，發現自己無法從筆記本電腦上訪問我的銀行帳戶。

So I contacted the ubiquitous "Chinese-speaking friend" and she agreed to take me to the bank to sort things out.
所以我聯系了一位隨叫隨到的“說中國話的朋友”，她同意帶我去銀行解決這個問題。

"Bring your documents and computer," she said.
“帶上你的證件和電腦。 ”她說。

After doing a spot of grocery shopping, I popped my brand-new laptop into my swish new backpack and headed off to the bank.
我先去了雜貨店買了些東西，然后把嶄新的筆記本電腦放到我全新的時髦背包里，之后就去了銀行。

A small crowd gathered as my friend explained my predicament to bank officials and they asked to see my documents and computer. I unzipped my backpack, pulled out the laptop and found it was covered with a strange gooey mess that was dripping everywhere.
在我的朋友向銀行人員解釋我的困境時，有幾個銀行職員圍過來，要求查看我的證件和電腦。我拉開背包拉鏈，拿出筆記本電腦，發現上面覆蓋著一個破碎的雞蛋，蛋液滴得到處都是。

I realized then that I hadn't removed a bag of eggs from my bag before putting the laptop in. As a large omelette formed on the floor and people rushed about with mops, I blushed with embarrassment.
我意識到，在把筆記本電腦放進背包以前，有一袋雞蛋在里面沒有拿出來。地板上滴了一大片蛋液，好像在煎雞蛋餅一樣。人們拿著拖把沖了上去，我紅著臉，十分尷尬。

On another recent occasion, I got in the lift to my apartment with anattractive Australian lady. Feeling quite the urbane expatriate, I struck up a conversation with her during the elevator ride. We both got out and she headed for her apartment, which was opposite mine.
最近還有一次，我與一位迷人的澳大利亞女士一起乘坐公寓的電梯。在電梯間里我和她搭話，感覺自己真是個彬彬有禮、機智從容的外國人。我們一起下了電梯，她走向自己的公寓——就在我的對面。

"Oh, you're our new neighbor," she said.
“哦，你是我們的新鄰居。”她說。

I tried to unlock my door. They key wouldn't fit. No surprise really. Mr. Smooth had got out on the wrong floor.
我試圖打開門。但鑰匙插不進去。毫無意外，真的。這位彬彬有禮、機智從容的先生下錯了樓層。

I wish I could forget one particularly horrible embarrassment.
有件特別尷尬的事我真希望我能忘記。

My wife, son and I were on holiday in Bulgaria.
我和妻子、兒子在保加利亞度假。

As we sat beside the hotel pool, life felt good. It was hot, sunny, I'd had a swim. As I reclined on my sun lounger, slightly tipsy, I was feeling quite pleased with myself. It was a lovely place to be. So very quiet, so tranquil.
我們坐在酒店泳池邊，感覺生活非常美好。天氣很熱，我剛游過泳。當時我躺在太陽椅上，微醺，感到很滿足。這里真是一個可愛的地方，如此寧靜。

Then, during that quiet moment, without any effort on my part, I broke wind. Not quietly - it was the loudest sound of its type I'd ever heard. That anyone had ever heard, judging by the peals of laughter that rang out as a chuckling sea of international faces looked in my direction.
然后，丟臉的時刻來了。我放屁了，甚至沒有給身體任何阻止它的機會。不止如此，還是用我聽過的最響亮的那種方式完成的。可能沒有人聽過如此響亮的聲音，周圍的人哄堂大笑，眾多國際友人笑呵呵地朝著我的方向看過來。

I was suntanned but there was still room on my face for an extra layer of crimson as I tried to remain nonchalant in the aftermath of the horror that had just occurred.
我在這恐怖的尷尬中努力裝成若無其事的樣子。我的皮膚早就曬成了古銅色，但顯然還是可以看出，我的臉變得通紅。

My family still tease me about it a decade or so later: "Even the Germans were laughing," they say.
十年之后，我的家人還在為這件事笑我，“連德國人都在笑。”他們笑道。

The Brits have a name for mishap-prone people like me. They are 'wallies'.
英國人給我這種倒霉不斷的人起了個名字 —— “沃利”（Wally是一個常見的英語名字，有“廢物，笨蛋”的意思）。

And now I'm the Great Wally of China.
現在，我成了中國的沃利。

Broadcaster：Greg Fountain

英文來源：“CHINA DAILY”微信公眾號
翻譯：魏千菡（中國日報網愛新聞iNews譯者）
編審：丹妮 董靜
音頻編輯：焦潔

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