Dam this Net Nanny

I don't see anything green in Green Dam. Instead I've noticed gobs of red and black.

The filtering software, which the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology wants installed in every computer sold in the country starting from July 1, is supposed to cleanse the Internet of unhealthy content. But the most possible effect is, it's going to make every Chinese netizen look like an idiot - or an adult with the IQ of an 8-year-old.

Online feedback shows that many netizens are red with anger. Perhaps that is why a ministry official hinted this week that users will be able to decide for themselves whether to install the software. If that isn't enough, Green Dam's developers now face a copyright action by US makers of similar filter software.

If, despite all that, they still manage to get it off the ground, it will be nonsensical, but look on the positive side. This Net Nanny would open an unprecedented floodgate of black humor. Our stolid image will be changed forever.

Whenever I tell people this software can filter out pornography by detecting skin tones, I'm met with: "Are you serious? You must be joking."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, reality could be funnier than comedy. Test results show that some images of Garfield will be blocked. And let me add, don't even think of posting your favorite oranges online. Pretty soon, orange farmers will have to find a new way to market their fruit online. I suggest they dye their oranges red, black, and yes, green. Green is politically correct both at home and abroad, except in Taiwan, in which case the color is undesirable.

Would you be surprised to know that this diligent Net Nanny fails to block most pictures of suspiciously young women in skimpy dresses and provocative poses? I lived in Silicon Valley for many years, but not for a single minute do I believe some kind of software can translate an essay or distinguish naked bodies. What do you instruct the software to do? Detect skin tones, sure, but so many things in the world share the same skin tone. And people of different ethnicities have different skin colors. Didn't the smart programmers forget to factor that in? What about swimmers and divers? I suppose the new generation of Tian Liangs would have to paint their bodies green before leaping from the platform.