I Love You, really
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Soi Chong Powell and her dad John Chong visit his ancestral home in Guangdong province in 2012. The photo on the wall is of Powell's mother Lai Wah Seto Chong, who died in 2007. Provided to China Daily |
Another mother was convinced the line was merely a ploy to get something in return. "OK, what do you want, dear?" she said.
"I don't want anything," her daughter said. "I just really love you."
"Just say it. What do you want?"
Most Chinese believe that when it comes to expressing love, actions are more important than words.
In the Confucian tradition, parents strive to provide their children with a good life, such as quality education and their own home as a wedding gift. In return, children are expected to respect their parents and obey their wishes.
"They tend to express their love through actions and oftentimes leave their good intentions and love unspoken," says Wei-jun Jean Yeung, a professor with the National University of Singapore's department of sociology and Asia Research Institute. "In fact, this is viewed as a virtue in the culture."
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Generations of Chinese grew up hearing stories of sacrifice in the name of love, such as those in The 24 Filial Exemplars, published in the Yuan Dynasty (1271-1368).
The classic text on morality includes the heroism of Dong Yong, a figure from the Han Dynasty (206 BC-AD 220), who sold himself into slavery to pay for his father's funeral.
It also talks about 8-year-old Wu Meng, from the Jin Dynasty (1115-1234), whose family was so poor they couldn't afford a mosquito net. On summer nights, he offered his blood to a swarm of mosquitoes so they would not sting his parents.
Last year, the government updated the filial piety standards for the 21st Century. The New 24 Filial Exemplars, released by China National Committee on Ageing, suggests adult children teach their parents to surf the Internet, buy them insurance and help widowed parents get remarried.
Interestingly, item No 11 says: "Tell parents that you love them."
Meanwhile, overseas Chinese are still influenced by the norms of their native land. That includes those in the United States, where families usually say "I love you" to each other regularly.
Fiona Lee, a 32-year-old California resident whose parents hail from Guangdong province, says her parents use English whenever they say "I love you" - although their first language is Cantonese.
"My theory about this is that, although in Chinese culture you don't really say it, American culture is more permissive and open, so English is the language we use to express deep feelings," she says.
Soi Chong Powell, 54, whose family moved from Hong Kong to the US Midwest in the 1950s, says she doesn't remember her parents telling her and three siblings "I love you" until they had left for college.
But since their mother died several years ago, she says, her family has been saying it to each other more often.
