The difficult art of letting go

For whatever reasons young people in China are pushing back the age of marriage either out of choice or out of necessity. Some want to experiment with more possibilities, while others are simply intimidated by the urban dating scene or are holding out for the right person to appear. The pressure these people's parents apply can be suffocating. And in turn, their parents have to field nonstop hectoring from their friends and neighbors: "Is your son or daughter married yet? When is he or she getting married?"

The same pestering is repeated from the time one is married to when an heir is born. "Does your son or daughter have a child yet? Isn't he or she beyond the best age to give birth?" To be a grandparent is a big deal in China. It is considered the ultimate familial bliss to live under one roof with three or four generations, even if only during the New Year holidays.

Pervasive sense of inadequacy

Moderation trumps prejudice

When the crowd bays for blood

The escalation of generational conflict reaches a crescendo when a grandchild is produced and the traditional way of child-rearing clashes with the new way. Yes, you can expect parents to be unpaid baby sitters, but the implicit cost is that you give up your method of bringing up a baby or the part of it that does not conform to your old folks' beliefs.

Of course, every family is different and not every parent is domineering to the point of turning love into torment. Some move to Hainan, China's equivalent of Florida in the US, or go on extended tours around the country or the world. But, so far, they are still a minority.

And one should not place all the blame on the old generation. Many youngsters actually expect or even welcome such treatment from their parents. They develop a sense of entitlement when their parents pay for their big-ticket purchases and go on scouting expeditions for potential in-laws.

Do you think standing in line in the wee hours for their children's commute is ridiculous? Wait until you hear of old folks who get into matchmaking games in public parks not for themselves, mind you, but for their children. I wonder what will come next.

In the old days, parents would even hide outside the bridal chamber and listen to what was going on between the newlyweds. As soon as they got a chance, they would sneak in and check the bed to see if there was any blood. They had to make sure the bride was a virgin.

Maybe it's a bit too cruel to mock such behavior. It's more cultural than moral. If you step back and look at the whole picture, all the things described above were done because parents cared for their children. There is the art of letting go that is largely elusive to the old generation. If you tie your children too close to you, they are not going to fly very high.

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