(Agencies)
Updated: 2008-03-24 10:23

A cafe in Auckland, last Tuesday. Two women sip coffee.

"I think," says the blonde to the brunette, "It's time I started looking for a husband." Bread, milk, wedding band. If only shopping for a spouse was that easy.

"I just don't meet men who are looking for relationships," says the blonde, 49. "They seem to have baggage from previous encounters, are heavy substance abusers, pretty happy single, keeping their options open or waiting for Miss Perfect themselves."

Actually, says American author Lori Gottlieb, it's not the men who are the problem.

"My advice is this," she writes in an article that has just won her a book deal and countless international press interviews. "Settle!" Marry Mr Good Enough in your 30s, says Gottlieb, and you won't be alone and childless in your 40s.

"The statistics show that women are having a lot of problems finding what they consider to be a suitable mate," Gottlieb told the Sunday Star-Times. "Is the problem really the lack of suitable males, or is it something about our definition of what Mr Right is?"

Los Angeles-based Gottlieb is 40 and single. In 2005, she broke up with a long-term boyfriend (they lacked a "core connection") and conceived a baby with donor sperm. "I thought, `I'll have my baby now, and find my soulmate later.' Well, it doesn't quite work out that way."

Gottlieb uses maths to make her point. Let's say you're a 32-year-old woman, who has met a guy you'd rate 8 out of 10. You're holding out for the perfect 10 (incidentally, you probably think you're a 10 you're not, you're an 8). Suddenly you're 42. Your own stocks have slipped. You're a 5. And so are the men you're attracting.

"You should have taken the 8 when you could have had it. You'll never be able to get that 8 again... if someone is 80% of what you want in another human being, that's pretty good."

Gottlieb says there are dealbreakers. If your potential partner has a jail sentence, or is a substance abuser, "Run. Run fast." But, she says, don't discount him because of bad breath or poor dress sense.

"I'm not saying pick somebody you don't connect with. But don't expect it to be this divine spark, the lightning bolt, the music and the butterflies in the belly. It's great if you have that, but if you don't, it doesn't mean this guy is not the one."

She says what makes for a great courtship doesn't necessarily make for a great marriage. "I think, for a lot of people, if they actually went with (Jane Austen's) Mr Darcy, they might not be that happy. What is he like dealing with diapers and paying the bills?"

Gottlieb's message is aimed more at women than men, who she says don't look at their partners as a "one-stop shop" for their every need.

"Women have this idea that this guy is going to fulfil us in all these important ways. He's going to like the same books, movies and do all the things we like. That's just not realistic."

Surely women can be happy without a relationship? Gottlieb is unconvinced. "Many women in their early 30s say I'd love to find someone, but if that doesn't happen, I'll be OK. But I talk to all these women in their 40s and 50s, and they say they would be happier if they'd ended up with someone."

Gottlieb says her theory based on her personal experiences and years of talking to girlfriends is "sort of like stating the obvious".

"But it's a very politically incorrect thing to say, because we consider ourselves feminists... I'm telling you this like an older sister if I was giving advice to somebody in their early 30s, then I'd tell them maybe I would have done it differently".