Here are the gadgets Beijingers really need

The recent Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas brought the usual buffet of brilliance. Phones so smart they would make an astrophysicist feel a bit silly. Clever cars and supermodel-thin TVs the size of football pitches. All very impressive, no doubt. But will all this wizardry really improve our lives? I'm not so sure. Here's a selection of gadgets someone needs to invent. And quickly.

Sanlitun Taxi Attraction Minion

Now you can enjoy that last 2 am beer while the STAM is deployed on the sidewalks of Beijing's Sanlitun nightlife area, searching for the only empty cab in the known universe. After sensing the approach of headlights, the STAM raises one arm halfway and scans the vehicles. On acquisition of a passenger-free target, the STAM perfectly replicates taxi-seeking human behavior by waving both arms in the air in an increasingly frantic manner. If the vehicle stops, you are alerted to get your butt outside before the guy drives off. If a meter is not detected and a price negotiation is required, the STAM engages "you're having a laugh" mode, where any attempt to charge 100 yuan ($15) for a 15-minute journey is met with serious consequences. Involving a cattle prod.

Expat Equilibrium Stabilizer

Perfect for those who believe every country in the world should be identical to the one they were born in (only with better weather), the EES sources food, groceries and all that other rubbish you miss from "back home" and constantly moan about not being able to find any. Warranty is rendered void upon use of phrases such as, "Yeah, but 6 quid (pounds) for a frozen pizza?!" on the grounds of extreme dullness.

Inebriated Communications Inhibitor

Ever woken up in the morning, checked your phone messages and/or online poker account and thought, "Oh my god, please tell me I didn't ..."? Well all those apologies to your ex for the garbled 4 am WeChat tsunami could be a thing of the past with the ICI. Acting much like a breathalyzer, the device links to your gadgets and monitors your blood alcohol level. If you've breached the "this is a horrible idea and when you regain consciousness you will pray for death" threshold, the ICI locks down your phone, tablet or any other electronic device you have no business being in charge of.

Celebrity Health Monitor

It's fair to say that last year has a lot to answer for when it comes to surprise demises. This handy device aims to remove the nasty shocks this year by keeping an eye on the well-being of your favorite famous people. It might not save any lives, but at least we'll have some warning when we're about to lose another hero.

So get cracking, clever people. I expect to see at least two of these inventions at next year's show. True, they are maybe not as cool as flying, automated taxis, or whatever, but I would argue that they're a lot more useful. Which is the real role of technology, after all.

Contact the writer at graeme@chinadaily.com.cn