My niece, Fan Fan, graduated from university a year ago and recently fell in love. For most parents, this would be reason for joy, but her mother has been trying to separate them.

"That boy is girlish," says her mother, my cousin. She believes a woman should find a man who "can hold up the sky". To marry a man with a mild character could mean that the burden of supporting the family will fall on her daughter's shoulders, she fears.

According to my cousin, the young man is girlish because he looks frail and speaks very little. When he visits, he likes going into the kitchen and cooking up delicious dishes.

"He is better than Fan Fan in this aspect," my cousin has to admit. My niece has so far only learned to mix sugar with tomato, as a cold dish.

"There is a generation gap between us," my niece says of her mother during a recent visit. She adds that girls of her age all dream of finding such a gentle character and call them "candy men".

"Smooth skin doesn't mean he is girlish," says my niece, who defines "girlish men" as speaking like a spoiled girl and raising their fingers like an orchid when picking something up. A "candy man", on the other hand, has the patience to accompany his girlfriend on shopping trips.

"He is sweet and knows how to please a woman, and he never raises his voice to her," says my niece. "If a woman is lucky to find such a candy man and they stay together for their whole lives, that is the happiest thing."

Her parents, however, are the opposite of this, in Fan Fan's eyes. When her mother becomes angry, her father often leaves home in a rage, banging the door as he leaves. If her father were a "candy man", Fan Fan says with a sigh, maybe her mother wouldn't pick fights with him every day.

Counting her fingers, Fan Fan sings the praises of her boyfriend: "Don't you see? He can say sweet things; he can cook; he is eager to go shopping with me and never gets tired of it. My former boyfriends all abhorred shopping."

I tapped her forehead and said: "What's important is how you feel." Fan Fan's face was red with excitement and she exclaimed there was no generation gap between us.

I'm much younger than my cousin. When I got married, Fan Fan had already found her present boyfriend. On my wedding day, she sent me two sofa pillows with cross-stitched patterns. Fan Fan whispered to me that she and her boyfriend did the stitching. Actually, she learned it from him.

Knowing her well, I could imagine how Fan Fan pulled the thread through the needle and left the rest of the needlework to her amiable boyfriend. Whenever I watch TV or read, I like to hold the red pillows. Soft and comfortable, the sewing is excellent.

To me, this young man is not girlish. He is a "candy man", a sweet man.

(China Daily 11/23/2007 page20)