Anger OK, but act appropriately

Anger is not wrong. I know this statement seems shocking and contradicts conventional wisdom. I know it is an anathema to the wildly popular “Positive Thinking” movement, which urges us to “be full of positive energy” and “l(fā)et go of our anger.” However, the truth is that anger is just an emotion, and emotions are not inherently right or wrong. Our emotions are commonly referred to as ”feelings” because they are just that, feelings within us. We do not consciously choose them. We do, on the other hand, choose our behaviors and means of expressing our emotions. These choices and behaviors are right or wrong and there are definitely appropriate and inappropriate means of expression.

Kim Lee

Happiness wouldn’t be the darling of the pop-psychology world if people went around expressing it by screaming “I feel JOY!” into strangers’ faces or by pulling on people’s ears to forcibly turn frowns into smiles. Most would agree that these behaviors are totally inappropriate and infringe on the rights of others, even though they are expressions of an emotion generally deemed as “right” and “good.” If these behaviors became commonplace ways to express happiness, would we suddenly hear choruses of “don’t be happy” or “happiness is wrong?” As a society, would we develop a scorn for happiness as an emotion, or would we simply reject the inappropriate behaviors that some people use to express it?

The reason that anger is so feared, maligned and repressed is that few people ever learn appropriate and constructive ways to express or respond to anger. Instead we are taught that “anger is wrong” and “good people never get angry.” Other times, we are simply told to “be happy.” But these messages do nothing to change the fact that anger exists and for most of us, the state of being happy requires direct stimuli or concrete strategies to achieve. Such casual, dismissive attitudes toward anger can even exacerbate the problem of inappropriate and violent outbursts when the “repression dam” finally breaks.

Many popular self-improvement and success-building seminars operate on the premise that success stems from an ability to “control our emotions” and that this Sisyphean task can be mastered in a very short time through the repetition of affirmative statements. Interestingly enough, these positive slogans often include a heavy dose of negativity. “Only losers complain! I am a winner!” extols one popular mantra. The problem with this type of positivity training is that it fails to prepare participants for encounters with opposing viewpoints. The belief that those who disagree with us are all unenlightened losers is actually quite negative and a breeding ground for abusive language and personal attacks. I often marvel at how frequently proponents of “positive thinking” respond to any criticism or disagreement with vitriolic cursing. It seems that all of that positive energy has a tough time making its way out of luxurious hotel conference room seminars and into the real world of human interaction.