Love deferred for the good life

As China has modernized and opened up to the world over the past 35 years, social norms have become a lot more fluid, and that applies particularly to questions of marriage and divorce, certainly in the past 10 years or so.

These days more and more men and women either refuse to conform to the so-called norms of society relating to marriage and having children, or do not marry for some other reason. And as they wait for Mr Right or Miss Right to come along, they are content to find spiritual fulfilment in other pursuits, such as their job or in hobbies.

According to the national census in 2010, in the 25-29 age group, 36.3 percent of men and 21.6 percent of women were unmarried; in the 30-34 age group, 12.6 percent of men and 5.3 percent of women were unmarried.

Zhang says she has been on blind dates twice because she did not want to disappoint the matchmakers who had wanted to help her, a workmate and a friend of her parents. Matchmakers need to know about what kind of person both parties like, she says, adding that the insight of matchmakers has a direct bearing on the success of such encounters.

In the first of her blind dates, the man was a "male chauvinist", she says, and their values were totally different. She felt uncomfortable but had to endure the discomfort until the date finally ended.

"The experience of those two dates was horrible. I find it all very insulting, and there is no way that I will ever force myself to go on a blind date again.

"Many people get married before they think about the huge responsibility behind that piece of paper. Marriage is a huge step to take, and it's a decision that is much too onerous for me. I won't get married unless the other person gives me the confidence I need.

"When two people decide they want to be together, they want to be better than when they are single, right? If not, why are they doing what they are doing? You can't use morality or tradition to force someone into marriage."

She feels little pressure from her parents, who are very open-minded and put her happiness first, she says.

Like Zhang, Zhu, 29, of Beijing, who wants to give only her surname, says she is focused on her career, and marriage is not a priority. Neither is she anxious to find love, she says, adding that she is happy to meet someone she really likes.

Zhu, a financial analyst, attributes her being single to the fact that her social circle is small, she is busy at work and she is a passive person. She completed her postgraduate studies when she was 25, she says, when many Chinese women start to worry about marriage.