Seniors share love without marriage

More than 100 people, many aged 60 or older, take part in a matchmaking party in Beijing in autumn 2012. Xinhua

Cohabitation conundrum

Shanghai Silver Hair Matchmaking Agency, one of Shanghai's most-popular introduction services for the middle-aged and elderly, receives around 200 people seeking new relationships every week. However, last year only 50 percent of the couples they introduced actually married, while the rest chose to cohabitate.

Many couples do live happily after a second marriage, according to Qiao Xiaojie, a retired teacher who has been a voluntary matchmaker for five years.

"I know two retired professors, both in their 60s, who tied the knot four years ago after I introduced them. They have similar hobbies and interests and have great patience with each other," she said. "Their marriage is working so well that a matchmaking agency recently invited them to share their experiences with other love seekers."

Gu Liping, Shanghai Silver Hair's director, said cohabitation appears a good option when both partners are in good health and economically equal, because it solves the problem of loneliness for senior singles. Houses and property rarely enter the equation.

However, conflict may arise if one of the partners falls ill. "The healthy partner may end the relationship without a word," she said.

She recounted a case she encountered last year; when the male partner died, the female, who had been with him for seven years and had provided financial support, was driven away by his children almost immediately.

Cohabitation may seem to protect property on both sides, but the lack of legal coverage means it actually provides few safeguards, said Shu Xin, head of the China Marriage and Family Counseling Center.

"A marriage is not only based on shared finances, but also on commitment and a sense of security. Otherwise, suspicion, lack of trust and a higher likelihood of affairs outside the relationship can bring harm," he said.

Although society seems happy to accept seniors cohabiting, younger people are not treated with the same leniency. There are concerns about unmarried young mothers and a dismissive attitude toward marriage that could wield an adverse influence, at least on the children of such partnerships, said Zhou Xiaopeng, a marriage and relationship counselor with Baihe, a major dating website.

"Their children will think cohabiting is the solution if marital problems cannot be addressed. But for older people, a loving relationship with sexual relations is fine. The partners can wave goodbye freely if it turns sour," she said.

However, Zhou said the seniors shouldn't blame their children if they object, because they are often to blame for ramping up an atmosphere of distrust unnecessarily. "If they fear financial disputes, they can be solved by premarital property notarization or negotiations."