Seniors share love without marriage

New difficulties

Prospective senior partners were able to size each other up at a matchmaking event held in Shanghai from Nov 9 to 11. The event attracted 40,000 visitors after the age bar was raised to 60 from 35, the upper limit at an event in May, which drew 32,000.

Around 50 middle-aged people and seniors squeezed themselves into a 15-square-meter room. They scanned the information about other singles in the same age group that had been posted on the walls and copied it into their notebooks.

"I hope God will send me an ideal husband," said Sun Liqing, a 58-year-old from Wenzhou in Zhejiang province, smartly decked out in a velvet dress and pearl necklace. She had traveled to Shanghai especially to attend the event.

Sun said she doesn't have any specific requirements for a future spouse, except that men without children from their previous marriage are automatically excluded from consideration.

"Nobody was DINK (double income, no kids) three decades ago, so he might have a very weird personality if he refused to have a child back then," she said.

However, experts warned that those seeking a new life partner can't afford to be too choosy. A mere 10 percent of people aged older than 50 find a satisfactory new partner after a divorce or the loss of their spouse, according to statistics from the Gerontological Society of Shaanxi province.

Women, especially those aged 60 and older, had better abandon their high expectations for a future husband, because men always want a younger woman to revive their vigor and provide care, according to one insider.

"Men in their 30s may want their wife to be around three years younger than them, but men in their 70s usually prefer a spouse 10 years younger," said Qiao.

Moreover, despite the low rate of second marriages, many of those looking for a partner refuse to lower their expectations. Some will not choose a partner with a son in case he claims the apartment as a wedding gift, in accordance with the Chinese tradition that the bridegroom's family should provide a residence for the newlyweds. Others refuse to countenance a partner with a daughter because they believe some girls are oversensitive and won't accept them.

"I wouldn't consider anyone with a long marriage history," said Wu Chengjun, 63, whose wife died 15 years ago.

"Divorced women often have a more complicated way of thinking; they may have suffered domestic violence at the hands of their ex-husband, or been exposed to other bad habits such as whoring or indulging in alcohol, which could cast a shadow over a second marriage," said Wu, who has been looking for a partner since he retired from an aviation research institute in Shanghai three years ago.

Wu was approached at the event by a 59-year-old woman surnamed Liu, but she walked away after discovering that he has been a smoker for more than four decades.

"I began smoking at 18 and cannot quit. Anyway, I'm looking for a wife not a stepmother who wants to fix me from head to toe," said Wu.

His explanation cut no ice with Liu: "Nobody in my family smokes or drinks. My parents and children are teachers and I don't think they would get along with him very well."

High failure rate

There is also a high failure rate for second marriages, according to data from the courts.

In the past five years, nearly 70 percent of those aged 60 and older who remarried have divorced, according to Shanghai Jing'an district People's Court.

The divorce rate of the remarried group is 15 to 50 percent higher than for first marriages, according to data from the courts in Lixia and Shizhong districts and Pingyin county in Jinan city, Shandong province, which have been reviewing all the divorce cases in their districts during the past two years.

Wu said that his experience of blind dates has taught him that the high divorce rate is understandable.

"Some people's intentions are not pure; they just want romance and to travel around the world. A marriage based on those premises will undoubtedly fall apart," he said.

Part of the reason for the higher divorce rate among remarried couples is that they fail to consider the potential harm to their children, according to marital and family affairs experts, who pointed out that a second marriage is often radically different to the first.

"Those who remarry don't share a common background of growing up together as a young couple, who usually have a beautiful common vision of establishing a family and making plans for their children," said Shu.

"Seniors often have a private plan in their hearts when it comes to remarriage."

Contact the author at zhouwenting@chinadaily.com.cn