Growing together: Why parenting is actually all about raising ourselves

Unlike many parenting methods that focus on "fixing" children's behavior, the parents I interviewed this year for a cover story said that much of their parenting involved being relaxed and just accompanying their children without frequent judgment.

As a new mother myself, this resonated deeply. I welcomed my baby in 2024. During my pregnancy, I immersed myself in reading about relaxed parenting, determined not to repeat the authoritative style I was raised with. Having never experienced such an approach firsthand, I turned to books to learn how to avoid becoming a commanding, fear-driven parent. I try to keep my own anxiety from overshadowing my child's world.

Listening to these parents and thinking about my own experiences, I've come to see that parenting is really about the moments we share and how both the parent and child grow together.

Being parents has taught them that real success isn't about children's achievements but about the joy and strength they build together.

By respecting children and creating a safe space for them to be themselves, they've found the true beauty in the shared journey. It's not about being perfect and controlling children but about growing a relationship based on understanding and love. By shifting their focus from relentless supervision to meaningful companionship, they have fostered a nurturing environment where children feel valued and heard. This has strengthened their bonds and allowed the parents to care for their own well-being.

One of the mothers I interviewed said she is proud of her son, who has grown into a thoughtful and independent young adult, capable of making informed decisions about his future.

Despite external competitive pressures, she has prioritized nurturing his unique qualities and interests, and fostered a supportive environment that values personal growth over competition.

His gentle nature, intellectual curiosity and appreciation for others' strengths have prepared him well for the next stage of his life.

However, many parents often mistake the greater control of children for being more loving. Truly being together with children means accepting their emotions without judgment. When they're angry, parents should accept their feelings rather than suppress them. When they're sad, parents should offer comfort instead of immediate solutions. This kind of presence builds a deep emotional bond, helping children feel valued just for being themselves. This unconditional acceptance is crucial for children to develop a strong sense of self and inner strength.

Conflicts with children often reflect parents' unresolved issues. Parents try to control them because they can't face their own anxieties and fears. It isn't about creating a "perfect child" but rather about how parents become more self-aware adults.

In my own journey, despite all my reading, I haven't been able to fully live out these ideals. I still catch myself anxiously watching to prevent my baby's falls, worrying over what goes into my baby's mouth, and instinctively saying "don't" or "no". That early parental anxiety is real. I wonder how much of it will linger as my child grows. But I'm learning slowly to notice when fear speaks instead of trust, and to soften my reactions. This process has shown me that parenting is as much about "re-parenting" myself as it is about raising my baby.

Children act as mirrors for their parents. For example, if parents get angry at their children's procrastination, it might be because they fear losing control over time. If they are anxious about children's shyness, it may reflect their past insecurities.

Parents often see their children as extensions of themselves, using them to fulfill personal dreams and enhance their self-worth. They set their paths, solve their problems and tie their pride and shame to their successes and failures.

This self-centered approach creates an invisible cage, stifling both children's natural spirit and draining parents' energy. When parents respect children's journey instead of forcing them into theirs, a genuine connection begins.

Raising a child is not an easy path. Rather, it requires parents to have the courage for ongoing self-reflection. In this way, parents not only raise more independent and happier children but also become more complete, peaceful and aware individuals.

Contact the writer at lihongyang@chinadaily.com.cn