Reader question:

In this newspaper headline – The Trouble with Tough Love – what's tough love?

My comments:

Tough love is the harsh measures parents sometimes take in disciplining children. For example, some parents administer beatings to a kid who comes back from school with a poor report card. Others stand the child in the corner facing the wall for hours as punishment...

Alright, no more bad examples. But these terrible things are done by parents in the name of love. Parents fear that lack of discipline will spoil their children in the long run. A lot of loving parents, hence, mete out tough love on children and sometimes do it with a this-is-going-to-hurt-me-more-than-it's-going-to-hurt-you attitude. In Chinese, that translates to the age old 打是親，罵是愛 – age old yet second-class behavior nevertheless. As babies learn to walk, run and learn adults' ways, mistakes are bound to be made. So children, if you ask me, could all use a little unconditional love from ma and pa no matter what good/bad they've done.

It's just a matter of parents not knowing better, I think, but you get the point about tough love, the term.

The term is used in other situations as well, such as in economics. For instance, Noam Chomsky, in Propaganda and Control of the Public Mind, I think, likens many US pro-capital policies to "tough love" – "love for the rich, tough for everyone else".

Here are media examples:

1. Giuliani embraces tough love (November 8, 2007, Los Angeles Times):

He (Rudolph W. Giuliani) has broadened his image, vowing to keep America safe while defending religious rights and families. His combative style appears to be working as he leads in the GOP race.

2. Workers want tough love (news.com.au, November 23, 2007):

WOULD-BE managers are often told they should aspire to being consensual, team-playing listeners.

But in fact it is hard taskmasters who not are afraid to crack the whip to get the job done that are most valued by employees.

A study by the UK Institute of Leadership & Management has found that people would rather work for a tough boss who is successful than a lenient one who fails to deliver the goods.

3. Knicks coach Isiah Thomas tries tough love on disgruntled Stephon Marbury (yahoo.com, November 15, 2007):

Isiah Thomas is trying tough love on Stephon Marbury.

"I love all my players, just like my mother loved me, but sometimes she snatched me out of the park and had tough words for me and did some tough things to me," the New York Knicks coach said after Marbury rejoined the team for Wednesday's night game against the Los Angeles Clippers.

"I want the best for this team. I want the best for every player inside that locker room. And sometimes there are tough lessons that need to be learned and there are tough things that we need to do. Every player that's worn a championship ring, there's a heavy price to be paid. That's our goal and that's where we want to get to."

Zhang Xin is Trainer at chinadaily.com.cn. He has been with China Daily since 1988, when he graduated from Beijing Foreign Studies University. Write him at: zhangxin@chinadaily.com.cn, or raise a question for potential use in a future column.